I discovered you when I was just a little girl. I can’t ever remember a time when I didn’t know the feel of you underneath my fingers. And while I have no memory of it, having slipped my chubby baby hands into my diaper seems entirely likely.
Soon, however, I learned a love-hate relationship with you through the adults that I trusted. Even tolerant open-minded parents, which mine were not, would have had to take evasive maneuvers to prevent the refrigerator repair guy from checking out the Cindy Brady look-alike grinding away at herself on the living room floor. So I learned, “Don’t touch that!” or “Go to your room to do that!” from my parents and, “Ewww, that’s gross!” from my 3 older siblings. Being the apt pupil that I was, I began to enjoy you illicitly behind closed doors and to never ever talk about you.
Thank God for the author Judy Blume, who wrote specifically for teenage girls. Fortunately, I was a voracious reader, and when I was 10 or so, found out that other people touched theirs too- and it even had a name. I laughed in joy and relief- and continued masturbating.
I want to apologize for your teenage years and your first sexual experiences when you didn’t have proper attention paid to you. But my naïve brain substituted sex, attention and flattery from those 30 year old hot bodybuilders for the love and affection that I never received from my emotionally absent parents and self-absorbed teenage role models that I called my brother and sisters.
I’m sorry that over the years I’ve harassed you, reviled you, kept you in secret, used you inappropriately and generally felt nothing but disgust for all of your smells, fluids and massive volumes of embarrassing magenta ooze that always required such elaborate containment on an ever predictable monthly basis. I know that I’ve treated you horribly in the past, but the time has come for us to become friends and lovers again. I don’t know exactly what I need to do in order to regain your trust and to heal your wounds, but I’m willing to do whatever it takes for us to have the intense, intimate, fun-filled relationship that we were always meant to have.
We’re here at One Taste right now as the first step in my commitment to honor you and to repair the rift between us. I feel as though I’m stumbling blindly in the dark and all that I can do is to trust that my intuition and my soul will lead me in the right direction. I hope that my attempts will be enough for you to one day forgive me.